ABBOTT: Well Costello, I’m going the Graveyard with you. You know, Bucky Bones, the cemetery’s owner gave me a job as gravedigger for as long as you’re on the team.
COSTELLO: Look Abbott, if you’re the gravedigger, you must know all the stiffs.
ABBOTT: Right, certainly do.
COSTELLO: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s in the ground.
ABBOTT: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these dead people nowadays, very peculiar names.
COSTELLO: You mean funny names?
ABBOTT: Strange names, pet names. Like, Les Moore, Ima Stiffie, and…
COSTELLO: Will B Back.
ABBOTT: Will B… oh I see! Well let’s see, we have in the first row, we have Who’s in the first, What’s in the second, and I Don’t Know is in the third.
COSTELLO: That’s what I want to find out.
ABBOTT: I say, Who’s in the first, What’s in the second, and I Don’t Know’s in the third.
COSTELLO: Are you the gravedigger?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: You going to be the bill collector too?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: And you don’t know the fellow’s names?
ABBOTT: Well I should.
COSTELLO: Well then who is in the first?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: I mean the fellow’s name.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy in the first.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The first dead guy.
ABBOTT: Who!
COSTELLO: The guy in the first grave.
ABBOTT: Who is in the first.
COSTELLO: I’m asking you who’s in the first!
ABBOTT: That’s the man’s name.
COSTELLO: That’s whose name?
ABBOTT: Yeah.
COSTELLO: Well go ahead and tell me.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: That’s who?
ABBOTT: Yeah.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Look, you got a body in the first grave?
ABBOTT: Certainly.
COSTELLO: Who’s buried first?
ABBOTT: That’s right.
COSTELLO: When you send off the bill every month, whose family gets the bill?
ABBOTT: Each and every month.
COSTELLO: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name in first grave.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy’s family that gets the bill.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: Whose family pays the money on first grave?
ABBOTT: They do, every dollar! Sometimes his widow comes down and pays it.
COSTELLO: Whose widow?
ABBOTT: Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?
COSTELLO: Look, all I want to know is when you sold up the first gravesite, how did he sign his name to the contract?
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: How did he sign it?
ABBOTT: That’s how he signed it!
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Yes.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name in the first grave.
ABBOTT: No, what’s in the second grave.
COSTELLO: I’m not asking who’s in the second.
ABBOTT: Who is in the first!
COSTELLO: One grave at a time!
ABBOTT: Well don’t change the bodies around!
COSTELLO: I’m not changing nobody!
ABBOTT: Take it easy, buddy.
COSTELLO: All I’m asking you, who’s the guy in the first grave?!
ABBOTT: That’s right.
COSTELLO: Okay.
ABBOTT: Alright.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: What’s the guy’s name in the first grave?!
ABBOTT: No, What is in the second!
COSTELLO: I’m not asking you who’s in the second!
ABBOTT: Who’s in the first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
ABBOTT: Oh, he’s in the third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s get back to the first.
COSTELLO: Now how did I get to the third grave?
ABBOTT: Well you mentioned his name.
COSTELLO: If I mentioned the third dead guy’s name, who did I say’s buried third?
ABBOTT: No, Who’s buried first.
COSTELLO: What’s in the first?
ABBOTT: What’s in the second.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
ABBOTT: He’s in the third.
COSTELLO: There I go, back in the third again!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Will you stay in the third grave and don’t get out of it? ABBOTT: Alright, what do you want to know?
COSTELLO: Now who’s buried in the third grave?!
ABBOTT: Why do you insist on putting Who in the third grave?
COSTELLO: What am I putting in the third?!
ABBOTT: No, What is in the second.
COSTELLO: You don’t want who in the second?!
ABBOTT: No, Who is in the first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know!
Both: Third grave!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Look, you got other buried in the next row?
ABBOTT: Sure. Three guys.
COSTELLO: The left guy’s name?
ABBOTT: Why.
COSTELLO: I just thought I’d ask you.
ABBOTT: Well I just thought I’d tell you.
COSTELLO: Then tell me who is buried on the left.
ABBOTT: Who is buried first.
COSTELLO: I’m not... Stay out of the first row! I want to know, what’s the guy’s name in the left grave?
ABBOTT: No, What is in the second.
COSTELLO: I’m not asking who’s in the second.
ABBOTT: No, Who is in the first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
Both: Third grave!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: And left dead guy’s name?
ABBOTT: Why!
COSTELLO: Because.
ABBOTT: No, he’s in the center grave.
COSTELLO: (Fumbles words loudly)
ABBOTT: Well that’s the fellow’s name.
COSTELLO: Look, look, look, you got an assistant?
ABBOTT: Sure.
COSTELLO: The assistant‘s name?
ABBOTT: Tomorrow.
COSTELLO: You don’t want to tell me today?
ABBOTT: I’m telling you now.
COSTELLO: Well go ahead.
ABBOTT: Tomorrow.
COSTELLO: What time?
ABBOTT: What time what?
COSTELLO: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s assisting you?
ABBOTT: Now listen, Who is not assisting. Who is in...
COSTELLO: I’ll break your arm you say who’s in the first! I want to know, what’s the assistant’s name?
ABBOTT: What’s in the second grave!
COSTELLO: I don’t know!
Both: Third grave!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Got a groundskeeper?
ABBOTT: Certainly.
COSTELLO: The groundskeeper’s name.
ABBOTT: Today.
COSTELLO: Today? And tomorrow’s assisting?
ABBOTT: Now you’ve got it.
COSTELLO: All we got is a couple of days in the cemetery. You know, I’m a groundskeeper too.
ABBOTT: So they tell me.
COSTELLO: I get on the mower, do some fancy yard work. Tomorrow’s digging a new grave and a heavy storm blows in.
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Now, the heavy storm blows in. The wind knocks over a memorial wreath, me being a good groundskeeper, I want to return it right grave, I think it goes to the guy in the first. So I pick up the wreath, and return it to who?
ABBOTT: Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said right.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
ABBOTT: Well that’s all you have to do!
COSTELLO: Is return the wreath to the first grave?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Now who’s got it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Look, if I return the wreath to the first grave, somebody’s grave has got to get it. Now who has it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Naturally?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: So I pick up the wreath and return it to Naturally?
ABBOTT: No you don’t! You return the wreath to Who!
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That’s different.
COSTELLO: That’s what I said.
ABBOTT: You’re not saying that.
COSTELLO: I return the wreath to Naturally?
ABBOTT: You return it to Who.
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: That’s what I said!
ABBOTT: Listen, you ask me.
COSTELLO: I return the wreath to who?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Now you ask me.
ABBOTT: You return the wreath to Who?
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: Same as you!
ABBOTT: You just changed them around.
COSTELLO: Same as you! I return the wreath to who. The wind blows it away again, who’s widow picks up the wreath, takes it to what, what’s widow takes it to I don’t know, I don’t know’s widow takes back to tomorrow, triple play!
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Another storm sets in, and it’s wreaths all over the place. Why? I don’t know, he’s in the third grave, and I don’t give a darn!
ABBOTT: Oh…What?
COSTELLO: I said, I don’t give a darn!
ABBOTT: Oh, that’s our stonecarver.
COSTELLO: (Fumbles words loudly)
COSTELLO: Look Abbott, if you’re the gravedigger, you must know all the stiffs.
ABBOTT: Right, certainly do.
COSTELLO: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s in the ground.
ABBOTT: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these dead people nowadays, very peculiar names.
COSTELLO: You mean funny names?
ABBOTT: Strange names, pet names. Like, Les Moore, Ima Stiffie, and…
COSTELLO: Will B Back.
ABBOTT: Will B… oh I see! Well let’s see, we have in the first row, we have Who’s in the first, What’s in the second, and I Don’t Know is in the third.
COSTELLO: That’s what I want to find out.
ABBOTT: I say, Who’s in the first, What’s in the second, and I Don’t Know’s in the third.
COSTELLO: Are you the gravedigger?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: You going to be the bill collector too?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: And you don’t know the fellow’s names?
ABBOTT: Well I should.
COSTELLO: Well then who is in the first?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: I mean the fellow’s name.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy in the first.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The first dead guy.
ABBOTT: Who!
COSTELLO: The guy in the first grave.
ABBOTT: Who is in the first.
COSTELLO: I’m asking you who’s in the first!
ABBOTT: That’s the man’s name.
COSTELLO: That’s whose name?
ABBOTT: Yeah.
COSTELLO: Well go ahead and tell me.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: That’s who?
ABBOTT: Yeah.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Look, you got a body in the first grave?
ABBOTT: Certainly.
COSTELLO: Who’s buried first?
ABBOTT: That’s right.
COSTELLO: When you send off the bill every month, whose family gets the bill?
ABBOTT: Each and every month.
COSTELLO: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name in first grave.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy’s family that gets the bill.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: Whose family pays the money on first grave?
ABBOTT: They do, every dollar! Sometimes his widow comes down and pays it.
COSTELLO: Whose widow?
ABBOTT: Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?
COSTELLO: Look, all I want to know is when you sold up the first gravesite, how did he sign his name to the contract?
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: How did he sign it?
ABBOTT: That’s how he signed it!
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Yes.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name in the first grave.
ABBOTT: No, what’s in the second grave.
COSTELLO: I’m not asking who’s in the second.
ABBOTT: Who is in the first!
COSTELLO: One grave at a time!
ABBOTT: Well don’t change the bodies around!
COSTELLO: I’m not changing nobody!
ABBOTT: Take it easy, buddy.
COSTELLO: All I’m asking you, who’s the guy in the first grave?!
ABBOTT: That’s right.
COSTELLO: Okay.
ABBOTT: Alright.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: What’s the guy’s name in the first grave?!
ABBOTT: No, What is in the second!
COSTELLO: I’m not asking you who’s in the second!
ABBOTT: Who’s in the first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
ABBOTT: Oh, he’s in the third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s get back to the first.
COSTELLO: Now how did I get to the third grave?
ABBOTT: Well you mentioned his name.
COSTELLO: If I mentioned the third dead guy’s name, who did I say’s buried third?
ABBOTT: No, Who’s buried first.
COSTELLO: What’s in the first?
ABBOTT: What’s in the second.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
ABBOTT: He’s in the third.
COSTELLO: There I go, back in the third again!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Will you stay in the third grave and don’t get out of it? ABBOTT: Alright, what do you want to know?
COSTELLO: Now who’s buried in the third grave?!
ABBOTT: Why do you insist on putting Who in the third grave?
COSTELLO: What am I putting in the third?!
ABBOTT: No, What is in the second.
COSTELLO: You don’t want who in the second?!
ABBOTT: No, Who is in the first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know!
Both: Third grave!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Look, you got other buried in the next row?
ABBOTT: Sure. Three guys.
COSTELLO: The left guy’s name?
ABBOTT: Why.
COSTELLO: I just thought I’d ask you.
ABBOTT: Well I just thought I’d tell you.
COSTELLO: Then tell me who is buried on the left.
ABBOTT: Who is buried first.
COSTELLO: I’m not... Stay out of the first row! I want to know, what’s the guy’s name in the left grave?
ABBOTT: No, What is in the second.
COSTELLO: I’m not asking who’s in the second.
ABBOTT: No, Who is in the first.
COSTELLO: I don’t know.
Both: Third grave!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: And left dead guy’s name?
ABBOTT: Why!
COSTELLO: Because.
ABBOTT: No, he’s in the center grave.
COSTELLO: (Fumbles words loudly)
ABBOTT: Well that’s the fellow’s name.
COSTELLO: Look, look, look, you got an assistant?
ABBOTT: Sure.
COSTELLO: The assistant‘s name?
ABBOTT: Tomorrow.
COSTELLO: You don’t want to tell me today?
ABBOTT: I’m telling you now.
COSTELLO: Well go ahead.
ABBOTT: Tomorrow.
COSTELLO: What time?
ABBOTT: What time what?
COSTELLO: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s assisting you?
ABBOTT: Now listen, Who is not assisting. Who is in...
COSTELLO: I’ll break your arm you say who’s in the first! I want to know, what’s the assistant’s name?
ABBOTT: What’s in the second grave!
COSTELLO: I don’t know!
Both: Third grave!
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Got a groundskeeper?
ABBOTT: Certainly.
COSTELLO: The groundskeeper’s name.
ABBOTT: Today.
COSTELLO: Today? And tomorrow’s assisting?
ABBOTT: Now you’ve got it.
COSTELLO: All we got is a couple of days in the cemetery. You know, I’m a groundskeeper too.
ABBOTT: So they tell me.
COSTELLO: I get on the mower, do some fancy yard work. Tomorrow’s digging a new grave and a heavy storm blows in.
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Now, the heavy storm blows in. The wind knocks over a memorial wreath, me being a good groundskeeper, I want to return it right grave, I think it goes to the guy in the first. So I pick up the wreath, and return it to who?
ABBOTT: Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said right.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
ABBOTT: Well that’s all you have to do!
COSTELLO: Is return the wreath to the first grave?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Now who’s got it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
(Pause)
COSTELLO: Look, if I return the wreath to the first grave, somebody’s grave has got to get it. Now who has it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Naturally?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: So I pick up the wreath and return it to Naturally?
ABBOTT: No you don’t! You return the wreath to Who!
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That’s different.
COSTELLO: That’s what I said.
ABBOTT: You’re not saying that.
COSTELLO: I return the wreath to Naturally?
ABBOTT: You return it to Who.
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: That’s what I said!
ABBOTT: Listen, you ask me.
COSTELLO: I return the wreath to who?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Now you ask me.
ABBOTT: You return the wreath to Who?
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That’s it.
COSTELLO: Same as you!
ABBOTT: You just changed them around.
COSTELLO: Same as you! I return the wreath to who. The wind blows it away again, who’s widow picks up the wreath, takes it to what, what’s widow takes it to I don’t know, I don’t know’s widow takes back to tomorrow, triple play!
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Another storm sets in, and it’s wreaths all over the place. Why? I don’t know, he’s in the third grave, and I don’t give a darn!
ABBOTT: Oh…What?
COSTELLO: I said, I don’t give a darn!
ABBOTT: Oh, that’s our stonecarver.
COSTELLO: (Fumbles words loudly)
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